Decline is a fact of life. I lost my hair at 21, and now in my early thirties, I seemingly can’t go five games of five-a-side football without incurring a hospitalisation.
Matters were made all the worse by the news that it wasn’t just my body in decline – my name is also dying.
Nobody calls their kids Gary any more. Not even the hipster craving for the jarringly retro has done Gary any favours. It is a name beyond the whim of fashion.
But rather than dwell on this borderline-Shakespearian tragedy, I have decided to stand up and be counted in the fight to save Gary from extinction. I refused to take the easy route of an online petition, so I instead made Garibaldi, a slightly dark but very silly comedy/poetry show, which sets out a broad case for the survival of Gary.
Incidentally, it’s coming to Machynlleth Comedy Festival on 28 April, but I digress. Save that sort of shameless self-promotion for later.
During the show’s run at the Edinburgh Fringe last year, I got to meet many Garys: Scottish Garys, Welsh Garys, Canadian Garys, lagered-up and fairly intimidating English Garys on stag dos. There seemed to be a distinct correlation between being called Gary and baldness.
We laughed, we cried, we showed solidarity in the desperate struggle for Garyness in an uncaring world. A local newsagent joined the #SaveGary campaign by forcefully flyering every customer, and possibly losing significant amounts of business as a result. At least two pregnant women pledged to gift their unborn children my under-appreciated name.
I really felt like the message was starting to break through in Scotland – then my run at the Fringe ended. So it’d be great if I can count on the good people of Wales to help me reinvigorate this vital campaign.
Through the medium of poems, jokes, musical numbers and half-arsed dance routines, I will highlight the benefits of being Gary, while decrying the doubters.
The show will also touch on hair loss, biscuits and Italian military history, because look, you’ve got to offer something for everyone over the course if an hour, and biscuits are well known for their usefulness in conveying an important message. There are also several ridiculous uses of props.
I’m here to convince the non-Garys to get on board, but of course I’d also like the Garys of mid Wales and beyond along, so at very least, we can use the show as something of a support group.
If Machynlleth seems a long way to come with no guarantee of being convinced to go out and get in the deed poll forms, there are tonnes of famous names hitting town for the festival, such as Stewart Lee, Nick Helm and Mark Watson. I’m extremely proud to be in such company – even though it is sadly true that absolutely none of the other acts are called Gary, and only a handful are bald. You can’t have everything.
Can I turn the fortunes of my unfashionable moniker – and indeed myself – around? There’s only one way to find out. Join me and my bereft bonce for an anarchic hour treading the fine lines between miserable and uplifting, poetry and karaoke.
Garibaldi is at Machynlleth Comedy Festival on Friday 28 April, 8.45pm. Tickets are just £7.00 and can be bought online at machcomedyfest.co.uk/garyfromleeds